Mystery  Meat
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NightMaid:
5 actors: Night Maid, Josh, Caroline, Danielle, Mudwing
All genders interchangeable

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(Night Maid Enters)
 
Night Maid: I am the night-maid. Do not fear. In the night I clean things and I am very nice.
 
(Josh Enters)

Josh: I went out drinking with some friends after work. When I got home I was super tired. I should have thrown my clothes into the hamper, but I just took them off and threw them on the floor.
 
(Night Maid approaches Josh)
 
Night Maid: Hey, no big deal. I put your clothes in the machine for you. (aside) In the Night. (back to Josh) They’ll be dry before you get home from work.
 
(Josh Exits)
 
Night Maid: (to audience) I am the night-maid. My feet are quiet, my nose acute. I clean your shutters, your gutters, your boot.
 
(Catherine Enters)
 
Catherine: Oh no! I have to get up early tomorrow and bring my trash to the curb. If I keep forgetting, I don’t know what I’ll do. What kind of person can’t even take out the trash?
 
(Night Maid approaches Catherine)
 
Night Maid: Don’t worry little one. I’ll bring it there. I could use the exercise.
 
Catherine: Thanks, Night Maid
 
(Catherine Exits)
 
Night Maid: No problem. (back to audience) I am the night maid. I don’t hurt children and I don’t steal. On Sunday afternoons I like to see a movie. Sometimes I see the same one twice
 
(Danielle Enters)
 
Danielle: Fuck! My roommates made all this food, but aren’t going to wash the dishes. Help me Night Maid!
 
Night Maid: Hey, it’s gonna be fine. We’ll get some metal scrubbies and clean that sink out real good.
 
(Nice moment)
(Mudwing Enters)
 
Mudwing: Good luck cleaning up those baking pans.
 
Night Maid: Mudwing, I thought you were behind this.
 
Mudwing: That’s right Night Maid, and there’s puke on the front porch.
 
Danielle: Look out Night Maid!
 
Night Maid: I expect that will be hard to clean

Mudwing: And someone left their fast food wrappers sitting on the coffee table.

Danielle: (Gasp)
 
Night Maid: Looks like I’ll have to clean those up, then. Won’t I?

Mudwing: (defeated) You haven’t seen the last of me, Night Maid.

(Mudwing Exits)
 
(Danielle grabs a broom from somewhere and brings it to Nightmaid)
 
Danielle: Here, Nightmaid. Thanks
 
(Josh and Caroline Enter.)
 
Night Maid: You’re very welcome. (to everyone) I hope you all learned an important lesson about responsibility.

Josh, Caroline, and Danielle: We sure did, Night Maid

Josh: I learned that responsibility does not lie in the hands of man, but rather in the plans of the great watchmaker, who set this world in order long ago!

Caroline: And I learned that we must all seek the hidden foundation of this unnatural and inarticulate dribble we call language, so that we may rebuild from the beginning a poetry which lay in harmony with our blood and secret memory.

(Danielle approaches Nightmaid)

Danielle: And I learned, Nightmaid, that when I embrace my death, my heart may breathe and my mind be finally free.

(Danielle and Nightmaid kiss pretty hard)
(Enter Mudwing, crying)

Caroline: Mudwing, what’s wrong?

Mudwing: I thought I would finally defeat Night Maid (sniffs) by leaving a big mess! But I was wrong. Night Maid just cleaned it up. I don’t think anything’s too dirty for Night Maid!

Caroline: Don’t worry Mudwing, (punchline) there’s always the French broad!

(everyone laughs)
 
End
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