NightMaid:
5 actors: Night Maid, Josh, Caroline, Danielle, Mudwing
All genders interchangeable
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(Night Maid Enters)
Night Maid: I am the night-maid. Do not fear. In the night I clean things and I am very nice.
(Josh Enters)
Josh: I went out drinking with some friends after work. When I got home I was super tired. I should have thrown my clothes into the hamper, but I just took them off and threw them on the floor.
(Night Maid approaches Josh)
Night Maid: Hey, no big deal. I put your clothes in the machine for you. (aside) In the Night. (back to Josh) They’ll be dry before you get home from work.
(Josh Exits)
Night Maid: (to audience) I am the night-maid. My feet are quiet, my nose acute. I clean your shutters, your gutters, your boot.
(Catherine Enters)
Catherine: Oh no! I have to get up early tomorrow and bring my trash to the curb. If I keep forgetting, I don’t know what I’ll do. What kind of person can’t even take out the trash?
(Night Maid approaches Catherine)
Night Maid: Don’t worry little one. I’ll bring it there. I could use the exercise.
Catherine: Thanks, Night Maid
(Catherine Exits)
Night Maid: No problem. (back to audience) I am the night maid. I don’t hurt children and I don’t steal. On Sunday afternoons I like to see a movie. Sometimes I see the same one twice
(Danielle Enters)
Danielle: Fuck! My roommates made all this food, but aren’t going to wash the dishes. Help me Night Maid!
Night Maid: Hey, it’s gonna be fine. We’ll get some metal scrubbies and clean that sink out real good.
(Nice moment)
(Mudwing Enters)
Mudwing: Good luck cleaning up those baking pans.
Night Maid: Mudwing, I thought you were behind this.
Mudwing: That’s right Night Maid, and there’s puke on the front porch.
Danielle: Look out Night Maid!
Night Maid: I expect that will be hard to clean
Mudwing: And someone left their fast food wrappers sitting on the coffee table.
Danielle: (Gasp)
Night Maid: Looks like I’ll have to clean those up, then. Won’t I?
Mudwing: (defeated) You haven’t seen the last of me, Night Maid.
(Mudwing Exits)
(Danielle grabs a broom from somewhere and brings it to Nightmaid)
Danielle: Here, Nightmaid. Thanks
(Josh and Caroline Enter.)
Night Maid: You’re very welcome. (to everyone) I hope you all learned an important lesson about responsibility.
Josh, Caroline, and Danielle: We sure did, Night Maid
Josh: I learned that responsibility does not lie in the hands of man, but rather in the plans of the great watchmaker, who set this world in order long ago!
Caroline: And I learned that we must all seek the hidden foundation of this unnatural and inarticulate dribble we call language, so that we may rebuild from the beginning a poetry which lay in harmony with our blood and secret memory.
(Danielle approaches Nightmaid)
Danielle: And I learned, Nightmaid, that when I embrace my death, my heart may breathe and my mind be finally free.
(Danielle and Nightmaid kiss pretty hard)
(Enter Mudwing, crying)
Caroline: Mudwing, what’s wrong?
Mudwing: I thought I would finally defeat Night Maid (sniffs) by leaving a big mess! But I was wrong. Night Maid just cleaned it up. I don’t think anything’s too dirty for Night Maid!
Caroline: Don’t worry Mudwing, (punchline) there’s always the French broad!
(everyone laughs)
End
5 actors: Night Maid, Josh, Caroline, Danielle, Mudwing
All genders interchangeable
----------
(Night Maid Enters)
Night Maid: I am the night-maid. Do not fear. In the night I clean things and I am very nice.
(Josh Enters)
Josh: I went out drinking with some friends after work. When I got home I was super tired. I should have thrown my clothes into the hamper, but I just took them off and threw them on the floor.
(Night Maid approaches Josh)
Night Maid: Hey, no big deal. I put your clothes in the machine for you. (aside) In the Night. (back to Josh) They’ll be dry before you get home from work.
(Josh Exits)
Night Maid: (to audience) I am the night-maid. My feet are quiet, my nose acute. I clean your shutters, your gutters, your boot.
(Catherine Enters)
Catherine: Oh no! I have to get up early tomorrow and bring my trash to the curb. If I keep forgetting, I don’t know what I’ll do. What kind of person can’t even take out the trash?
(Night Maid approaches Catherine)
Night Maid: Don’t worry little one. I’ll bring it there. I could use the exercise.
Catherine: Thanks, Night Maid
(Catherine Exits)
Night Maid: No problem. (back to audience) I am the night maid. I don’t hurt children and I don’t steal. On Sunday afternoons I like to see a movie. Sometimes I see the same one twice
(Danielle Enters)
Danielle: Fuck! My roommates made all this food, but aren’t going to wash the dishes. Help me Night Maid!
Night Maid: Hey, it’s gonna be fine. We’ll get some metal scrubbies and clean that sink out real good.
(Nice moment)
(Mudwing Enters)
Mudwing: Good luck cleaning up those baking pans.
Night Maid: Mudwing, I thought you were behind this.
Mudwing: That’s right Night Maid, and there’s puke on the front porch.
Danielle: Look out Night Maid!
Night Maid: I expect that will be hard to clean
Mudwing: And someone left their fast food wrappers sitting on the coffee table.
Danielle: (Gasp)
Night Maid: Looks like I’ll have to clean those up, then. Won’t I?
Mudwing: (defeated) You haven’t seen the last of me, Night Maid.
(Mudwing Exits)
(Danielle grabs a broom from somewhere and brings it to Nightmaid)
Danielle: Here, Nightmaid. Thanks
(Josh and Caroline Enter.)
Night Maid: You’re very welcome. (to everyone) I hope you all learned an important lesson about responsibility.
Josh, Caroline, and Danielle: We sure did, Night Maid
Josh: I learned that responsibility does not lie in the hands of man, but rather in the plans of the great watchmaker, who set this world in order long ago!
Caroline: And I learned that we must all seek the hidden foundation of this unnatural and inarticulate dribble we call language, so that we may rebuild from the beginning a poetry which lay in harmony with our blood and secret memory.
(Danielle approaches Nightmaid)
Danielle: And I learned, Nightmaid, that when I embrace my death, my heart may breathe and my mind be finally free.
(Danielle and Nightmaid kiss pretty hard)
(Enter Mudwing, crying)
Caroline: Mudwing, what’s wrong?
Mudwing: I thought I would finally defeat Night Maid (sniffs) by leaving a big mess! But I was wrong. Night Maid just cleaned it up. I don’t think anything’s too dirty for Night Maid!
Caroline: Don’t worry Mudwing, (punchline) there’s always the French broad!
(everyone laughs)
End
